At the beginning of this, I made a goal to post a blog post at least once a week. In my mind, it didn’t matter what I posted, as long as I did.
I didn’t even make it two months, and I have to keep reminding myself that this doesn’t mean I’m a failure.
The past few weeks have been a complete morass. I’ve had plenty more bigger, more life-effecting things to beat myself up about than the fact that I didn’t manage to string a few words together and throw them into the abyss of the internet once a week. Being formally diagnosed with ADHD (a good thing) kind of got loss in all the horrid, horrid things that have been happening. I just have this absolute hopelessness about my ability to function as an adult. A hopelessness about ever having a “career”, or something more than a base-level job that does nothing for me intellectually and fills me with boredom and despair. A hopelessness about ever ‘getting it’, whatever ‘it’ is, that means that I’m considered professional and mature. I wonder if it’s worth sticking it out where I am to the bitter end. I’ve never been fired before, and I feel sick with certainty that that is going to happen.
I need to congratulate myself on two points, however. One, is that as terribly bad as things have been (and it is the lowest I have been in a long time) I did not contact my ex for comfort. We’ve had this weird co-dependent relationship for two years, and this year I finally had the strength to step away from it. I desperately, desperately, wanted to contact him for a hug and kind words, and even when he messaged me I did not reply. After I was in a more stable zone, I emailed him telling him I really can’t talk to him for awhile, not until I manage to stand on my own two feet.
Two, is that I made the realisation that I have this ridic thing where I “feel” that there is some tension between me and someone else, and then I shut down and freeze them out because I don’t know how to deal with it (especially since that tension is likely transient or imagined). So last week I mended relationships with two people at work, and previous slightly tense relationships are now a-ok. I have another person I want to talk to next week when I get the chance, as well. So that’s an autism social awkwardness plus tick for me. But the feeling that there’s a million minus points to counteract that, at the moment…