I was out with a friend fifteen years older than myself, and we met up with some of his friends who were his age. On learning how old I am (nearly thirty) one exclaimed, “You can’t be! What do you eat??” Sheepishly, I replied, “Fried chicken burgers.” My friend corroborated, “Yup, she eats shit.”
My food issues – I could talk about these for days. It’s this horrible mix of obsessiveness and emotional eating and fussiness and exhaustion and just… sometimes I wish I didn’t have to eat, that I could live off a pill and never had to bother with the whole thing.
I’ve spent the past few months eating terribly, which contributes to feeling exhausted, which means I’m too low-energy to cook well after work, so I eat terribly, and it’s this whole circle that is so hard to break out of. My palate becomes more and more restricted, until last weekend all I ate was chicken fingers and chocolate. As I was eating the last of the chicken fingers on Sunday night, I started having the stomach-repulsion, and despaired even though chicken fingers aren’t the most nutritionally-balanced meal at least it was something, and once I get that stomach-repulsion I find it difficult to eat anything. I haven’t eaten a vegetable (unless it’s tomato or beetroot in a fried chicken burger) for weeks, and my body is quite irritated with me and telling me to just get over that taste thing. The mouth-feel and the throat-feel and the texture and the smell and the combination of foods and all the things that make my tummy fussy.
I’ve made the grand plan of “eating better” this week for the millionth time. I’ve prepped food and planned it out and it’s the same thing every day so I don’t have to think too hard, and it’s warm roast vegetables instead of salad which is very iffy for me. I get really frustrated and grumpy with food issues. I don’t want to be fussy. I don’t want to have to ask a million questions about what is in a meal at restaurants so I don’t end up with a plate of food I can’t eat. I don’t want to get obsessive about a particular meal and eat it for weeks until one day I’m sitting at work with it in front of me and I want to throw up and I can never eat it again. And so the list of food I can eat dwindles…