Living

Existential Angst

I spent this afternoon lying on my floor feeling the press of existential angst and disability. I’ve just started my fourth year of psychology, while working full-time, and I’m just so exhausted and done. I wonder if I’m really doing what I want to be doing, and if I’m not, what would I want to do instead?

It is the same self-doubt that has plagued me for years. I get passionately invested in a career-idea, but then when it comes down to theĀ work I baulk and give up, or suddenly one day I wake up and it no longer seems like my purpose in life. I really thought I’d found it this time, though, with psychology and the field I intended to work in. But the thought of all the study I have left to do is just so debilitating, and then will I even be doing something that fulfils me? I feel too old for these doubts, to change my mind yet again, and even more, I don’t have the energy. I am so exhausted and worn-out from trying, and I don’t have it in me to change track again.

And I think: what is so special about me, that I need a “career” and can’t be satisfied with merely working in an office?